Finale
by kim98
Summary: He almost faints. It isn’t tension building up between them; it’s a mix of real unrequited love and some weird and twisted respectful disdain. “I’m sorry.” He says finally. And Lily resists the urge to throw up right there. “I’ll leave you alone."
1. Chapter 1: Game Over

Hi there, here's another story. Don't know yet if I'll write more chapters for this one, probably will. But It'll take a while.

I've been pinning over stories where James gives up on Lily. And this thought sprung to me out of nowhere, what if Lily is the one that finally has enough? And so my story was born.

In case you were wondering, the jumbling part and all those run on sentences are on purpose. That's how my mind works when I'm fighting, desperate or confused. I was trying to write a thought train.

Well, review please. And tell me what you think. I probably should have had someone read it over. But eh.

* * *

**Chapter One: Game over**

The day starts like any other; no one expects something extraordinary to happen today in the tower. The Gryffindors go to class, like any other day, talk, joke and eat normally. _They_ exchange insults early in the morning, everyone sees _their_ usual banter and _their_ daily fights which this time are caused by James learning about her date with the Ravenclaw seventh year and the usual disruption of said date by James in the early afternoon. Which is, in fact, nothing extraordinary.

No one expects something to change, something to break the usual flow of the everyday happenings in Hogwarts, much less _them_.

_( "Is it James?" she claimed, "Is it really that hard to think of someone else? Is it really that hard to put my feelings before yours?"_

"_Oh, don't give me that shit, Lily! You know that I'm not selfish." He said harshly. "I may be egoistical and arrogant and so many fucking things, but not selfish." )_

Although James should have read the ominous signals, when Lily doesn't show at 8 o'clock sharp for their Head's meeting. According to his watch, she is 25 (long) minutes late. He should know something was wrong: she was _never_ late.

But instead, he decides to watch the Exploding Snap game between Sirius and Pete, and discusses the rare clear night with Remus. They are in the middle of winter; it was unusual to have such a beautiful night.

It seems as though someone up there is trying to warn him, when at 9 o'clock Lily still doesn't show up. But he takes no notice of it. Instead, he challenges Sirius to an Exploding Snap round.

A couple of minutes later, he hears the painting slam open and sees the tall blonde head emerge from it.

Here she comes.

_( "It was none- none of your business to go down there and charm his ears off!" she shrieked, "And stop laughing Sirius! - It was horrible! Blood everywhere and he couldn't even listen to me because he had no ears!"_

_He just laughed and commented that it was one of the best spur of the moment's pranks he had ever done._

"_Fuck, James, I said it was not funny!" )_

And he was right, behind Marguerite's blond locks, emerges his fiery redhead. Right on time, he thinks with a snort.

He does notice how students practically dash out of Lily's path. She has to be angry, he thinks, she tends to scare her classmates away, when pissed.

James considers imitating her 'punctuality and responsibility' speech in a high voice, with extra hand movements and nose pinching, just to spite her even more. He does love to argue with her, and his eyes get that familiar gleam.

_( She lets a low growl and whispers in a deadly, harsh voice, "No, James was it worth it? Really, was your stupid prank and macho jealous show really worth destroying the bit of respect I held for you these lasts months?" Her voice escalates into her usual shriek, "Because congratulations, you're back to being the same selfish bastard!"_

"_Right Lily, overreact like always! Always with the drama!" He growls right back at her. "It was one stupid joke, darling Fredrick will be back tomorrow with his ears right on place!" )_

He lets out a chuckle and stands up, placing his hands strategically on his hips, the perfect 'lecture' pose. Lily is suddenly standing right in front of him, her face twisted in the well-known scowl.

He readies himself for another fight, forgetting about his imitation once he gets sight of Lily's jaw clenching, the familiar telltale that she's one drop from exploding in a fit of insults and blows.

_("What where you thinking?" she yelled first, "Who the fuck do you think you are to pull stuff like that?")_

And so, the argument starts. Just another one, in high voice tones and bellow the belt insults. There is the usual screaming and yelling, Lily pushes his chest, James sneers at her. Nothing out of the ordinary. Their reasons are the same as always, his arrogance, her stick up her ass, his lack of tact and caring, her inability to laugh about a simple joke.

It's the same argument-turned–fight that can be witnessed every other night in the common room. So no one pays much attention to it, it usually ends up in frustrated screams and swear words, then after a while of someone walking away, they would find each other and mutter some half-ass apology, and would return to that strange, twisted companionship that has been joining them these last months.

_( "You are such a damn hypocrite!" He roared, his hands clenching at his side, "You act like you hate me so much, like I disgust you, but then the moment calls for it and we're suddenly friends!" _

"_Oh that's rich, James!", she yelled, her face red with anger, " You are the one that parades around hurting people, and then pretends you care about them. You play pranks on people and make them feel like dirt, and then act as though you give a damn about them! What kind of sick shit is that?" )_

James knows he should stop the fight, when Lily's eyes began to water and her breathing starts to get ragged. And Lily also knows to end it and apologize, when James throws a chair to the floor with a kick. That's when they usually stop their bickering. But no, tonight they are on fire. Rage builds everything up, and suppressed rage just fires it up to the ceiling. And no one dares to interrupt the screams and yells tonight, they just let it continue. And neither he nor she makes an attempt to apologize when they use their worst insults and comebacks. The ones that hurt the most.

And then suddenly, something shifts. James is in the middle of his rant abut her not giving a crap about something or other, when Lily sinks in a chair and lets her head fall into her hands.

It's changed. They can feel it. Something snapped. They wish they could say it's starting, but it's the complete opposite. It's ending.

She knows it when anger and embarrassment sweep out of her and a mix of disappointment, hurt and just plain fatigue bend her knees. She's done with it.

And he knows something went wrong, when instead of swear words and angry growls, a pitiful moan is heard between her hands. He's confused and just wonders why she's giving up. Is she sick or something? She always has the last word in their arguments and fights. She never backs down. And neither does him.

"What?" he sneers again," the invincible Lily Evans is giving up?"

Without looking up, and after a tense pause, she moans again, and whispers his undoing, "Just, stop it. Please James. No more, I can't take it. Just – please."

* * *

He looks at her hard, his eyes no longer alight with rage, but simply blank.

Please.

That word does it.

And at the same time, it _undoes_ him. Destroys him, rips him to pieces and smashes him with its meager 6 letter, stomps around his shreds and transforms him into some sort of confetti.

And no, he's not being melodramatic.

"Please, James. Just leave me –", she struggles again, and he can see that she's trying so hard not to break into sobs, and she feels how he's dying to throw himself on the rug and never come back up. "Just, _please_."

Every Gryffindor is in some sort of mute trance, they are respectful enough not to blatantly watch them with open jaws and wide eye, but choose to retreat to the other end of the common room, where they can discreetly glance and hear everything. (Or so they think.)

They feel it too, the change, the feeling of dread in the pit of their stomachs. It feels like the end of Potter and Evans (THE Potter and Evans), so who could resist watching it? Not them, that was for sure.

The silent and tense pause seems to last hours. But actually it's only after a few seconds that James sighs, and every pair of eyes goes to him. There he stands, standing stiffly in front of her, with his hands no longer in fists, but hanging limply at his sides. His face, no longer contracted in some sort of sneer and glare, but blank.

Her soft, pathetic whimper brings everyone's eyes to Lily. She's still slumped in the plush armchair, the one next to the fire, which is emitting such great heat and light and is so strong and alive and consuming. It's so different from Lily, who looks deadly pale, when she lifts her head to look at him. Her eyes, that just a few seconds were mirroring the fire, are now endless pools of darkness, so wide and glassy, as though dead, but shiny with unshed tears.

James's feet scuffle with the carpet, and again, as though it's a tennis match, the eyes go back to him. "You really mean that?" he asks, his voice quiet enough. But his words, his words are so strong, and hurt and utterly hopeless that they ring for days in the common room. Her eyes widen a little bit at this tone. And James turns his head to the left, watching the intense fire burn, _burn and crash_.

Lily watches him for a while, and everyone, but James, sees how for a millisecond, those green eyes are filled with such disappointment. Then, in a matter of seconds, they seem to age years beyond her actual age, and are filled with despair, weariness and some sort of unhappiness that has never been seen before. "Yeah." She whispers back.

She sees his Adam's apple bob up a down as he gulps, and his hands rub his eyes behind the glasses, probably forcing tears back in.

"James you know,- "she has to stop for a second, to wipe the tears dripping down her pale face. "I've been asking you to stop with this nonsense for years now. I'm really tired of it." She explains. She doesn't know why or how, but she feels as though she owes him some sort of explanation, or apology. Or both.

"Yeah, but-", he rubs his eyes again, more forcibly," But I always thought it was all friendly banter, you know. I never knew you were seriously disgusted by all of it."

The only sounds heard in the room are the cracking of the fire and the ragged breathing of Lily and James. Everyone else is petrified, just watching them, straining their ears to hear the words. The words that are usually yelled in a tone loud enough for people in their dorms to hear are now whispered in a flat, disappointed and not even loud enough tone for Sirius, who's waiting in the stairs for James, to hear.

"It's not disgust, James." She shakes her head, and more tears fall down her cheek. He sees none. But everyone else does, and every one else can also feel the break, the fracture between the two of them

Lily swallows the lump in her throat, and tries so hard to muster the strong voice in which she usually says the next words. "No, James. It was not disgust, but it wasn't friendly banter, either. I mean it when I say that I don't like you, and that I don't want to go out with you, and that-", she pauses and sees his shoulders slump downwards and his eyes close forcefully, but she musters every ounce of strength to finish her sentence," I want you to leave me alone."

Everyone in the room has heard those words before; it's not the first time they are said. But the difference is that instead of the strong and angry voice that usually accompanies them, they are pronounced in a defeated, tired and bleak tone. And every Gryffindor knows the difference it makes.

It was really over.

James understands immediately, and unlike all those other students gawking at Lily, James not only understands but absolutely hates what it means. Something inside him shatters as he hears those words, spoken so weakly.

She's not fighting him anymore, no more arguing, no more bantering. She's not telling him how she's so repulsed by his presence and attitude. She's _pleading_ with him, pleading him to leave her alone. She's no longer screaming, and insulting him. She's just asking him to let her be, to leave her alone.

_Asking._

_Pleading._

Not fighting

It was no joke, no stupid game or foreplay or suppressed sexual tension or whatever his idiotic mind could come up with. God, how could he be so stupidly blind! It was all real, true and horribly genuine, all her insults and feelings and – _fuck_.

He stares at her, afraid to do anything else, to ruin everything even more. He's scared to talk and hear his voice break and cry in front of everyone. In front of her.

So he sort of nods. But ends just moving his head in some weird circular motion. Merlin, was he always this pathetic?

She sighs. "James, you really did it this time. I really, really fancied Fredrick. I really do. Still. But you-", she stops, and sees how his eyes hardened just a little bit, at the mention of Fredrick. "You really took the cake this time."

Again, her voice is flat, monotone and simply so _defeated_. And he can't force the anger and mad jealously to bring some emotion back to the argument. Not when Lily sounds so _dead_.

He almost faints, he has killed her. It's over. It isn't tension building up between them; it's a mix of real unrequited love and some weird and twisted respectful disdain, that's the thing that stands between them.

After another tense moment, he dares to look at her (probably for the last time), and at the sight of her pale, tear streaked face he makes up his mind.

"I'm sorry." He says finally.

He's going to let her go.

And Lily resists the urge to throw up right there. "I'll leave you alone, Lily." _Finally_.

His voice, just like hers is broken, lost. _Dead_.

Her eyes seek his, and for a second they show disappointment racing through them again. He's trying so hard not to break himself, that he doesn't notice that it's with these last words that he's finally broken _her_. He _killed_ her.

She manages a strangled "Thank you." Before he turns around and heads for the stairs. He halts before them for a few seconds, taking some calming breaths. He feels that his legs will buckle the moment he starts to go up, to get away from Lily. He feels he'll slide back, as if these were the girl's staircases, not the ones leading to his dorm, to being utterly and fucking alone. But before he can even process the though of leaving her, at last, she calls him back.

"James", she says. And hope, stupid and fruitless hope, races through his mind. But her voice is still the same: flat, dead, broken.

He turns and tries to smile. His expression doesn't change at all, his eyes are half closed and brilliant with moisture and his mouth is set in some sort of thin pale line, with the ends pulled down.

Lily takes that in and realizes it's really over. It's the end. Done for.

She ought to say something.

It's now or never.

"Thank you." She swallows, "I mean- I… I know you this isn't the end you pictured or imagined or anything of that sorts, and…"she has to swallow again, she feels as though that big lump in the back of her throat is choking her," I just wanted to apologize for not giving you what you wanted."

His shoulders tense a bit more. Way to rub salt in the wound. "S'okay." He mutters. His eyes fixed on the burning fire. Crash and burn.

She nods. And another tear falls down. "I'm really sorry for this." She adds. She doesn't want them to end this way, this fucking tragic and so stupid way. She doesn't know what she wants.

"Yeah." He says, his voice quivering, almost breaking. His eyes focus now on that tear. How it splashes on her shirt and makes the fabric darker.

He rubs his eyes again, wiping the tears away (he hopes she sees nothing of it), and speaks with the same broken, flat tone that characterized their voices today, the total opposite to the usually loud and lively arguments that flowed fluidly between them. "I'm sorry too."

She wipes her tears. "Thank you." She says, and lowers her eyes. "Even though it won't work the way you want it to, I appreciate the way you always tried and how you always showed me how much you cared for me and all those compliments-". She stops her rant. She's nervous and anxious.

And she knows the bond that tied them, that sort of net that brought them together was slowly but surely breaking apart, separating them, crushing them against opposite ends. And that knowledge makes her so uneasy, so panicky, cautious and – oh _hell_ – so, so confused.

She doesn't want to be the one to cut the last thread of the dangerously thin rope (she used to think it was so strong and thick) holding them together. Somehow, she feels it isn't right. She wants this, she says in her mind, he hurts her so, and she needs this to end. She can't handle his charades anymore. It's over now.

It has to be.

But not like this, she thinks, they can't end it and spend the rest of the year in awkwardness, couldn't they be friends? Couldn't they just apologize? Won't he fight? Couldn't they-

"You're welcome."

She closes her eyes. "Yeah…" Oh, God, _no_…

He feels the tears come again. "Again, I'm sorry for ruining your date tonight. And for taking up so much of your time." She shakes her head.

"S'okay." She says.

"Yeah…" he closes his eyes, trying to push his tears back. "Well. I'll go up now."

She only hums her consent. Although her mind is screaming that this isn't supposed to be over. But she is so hurt and tired and… – and _shit_! She can't even consider this thought through. She just nods, for the hundredth time that night. And again, her mind starts looking for excuses to stall this falling apart, because if the string, the last connection breaks…she will too. She won't be able to hold it together. She needs time, it can't end like this. She opens her mouth, but no sound comes. She needs to think, to know what the hell is going on. She doesn't understand what she wants.

"Okay." He says, and there's finally a change in his voice tone that indicates something else than the despair he's drowning in. That one word is said with a touch of finality. He can't handle this pathetic conversation anymore. He turns around once again. But before he can continue up the stairs, he mutters once again in his horribly flat voice, "See you around, Lily."

And everyone stares at them. Surely someone will stop this mad act. This couldn't be happening. It's not the end of it. But not even Sirius, who looks at Lily with such pitiful eyes and a promise to come back later as he follow his best mate, tries to save them.

But in the thick and tense silence that fills the usually loud common room, the sound of James' door closing breaks the trance.

And with it, Lily feels the last thread break apart with a deafening _cling_. The ropes coil in the floor in curves and loops between them, creating obstacles for Lily, in case she decides to chase after him. She doesn't. She can't. She feels stuck, no strength, no nothing.

Oh, fuck.

She sinks deeper into the chair, and tries so hard to hold back the sorrowful sobs that are threatening to come out, while everyone in the common room stands transfixed, watching the spot where James and Lily finally severed all ties. She can't. And suddenly the room is filled with sniffs and awful sobs and a sense of dread, and her friends fight the crowd of onlookers to reach her.

It's over.


	2. Chapter 2: In the Inbetween

**A/N PLEASE READ THIS!**

For those of you who are still reading this, this is a new version of chapter two. It's almost completely new and so much different from the first version. So please, please take the time to re-read this. And I hope you like this one better than the last one. I do. :)

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**CHAPTER TWO: IN THE INBETWEEN **

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* * *

**

**Purgatory (pur-ga-to-ry)**

1 : an intermediate state after death for expiatory purification; specifically :_** a place or state of punishment**_ wherein according to Roman Catholic doctrine the souls of those who die in God's grace may make satisfaction for past sins and _**so become fit for heaven**_

_**2 : a place or state of temporary suffering or misery**_

(From the Merriam-Webster Free Dictionary online)

* * *

It's only after a few minutes of sobbing and weeping that Lily realizes where she is, and who are around her, and what they are hearing and what she just did.

Oh, God.

Oh, God _no_, what she just did.

The more she thinks about it, the more she realizes it was a mistake. A big, fucking and messy mistake that would take the world and more to make better. What had she been thinking? Saying all those stupidities and idiotic stupid fucking things to James in the middle of the common room, where everyone could hear, and understand and just know. Those things, those godforsaken things were private, they weren't meant to be heard. Or at least, she could have told him when he was alone. There was no need for everyone else to know about them.

Oh, God _no_.

She was an idiot. A stupid idiot. A cruel bitch. And she was never cruel.

But tonight, tonight she had behaved in such vicious and evil ways. She had mercilessly broke James down, without thinking about him for one mere second. Without considering him for one _second_. God what a hypocrite she was. Was she really that selfish?

God, how could she have been so goddamn cruel?

And at that thought, she can't hold it anymore, and her sobs and sniffling become too much for her friends, for everyone else, and they can't hold it anymore either. It is too much, to agonizing, painful, traumatic and all those horrible, horrible things. This couldn't be it. Can't be it.

God, _James_.

If anyone were to ask Lily how she felt that weekend, she would honestly answer: I don't know.

She remembers her friends helping her upstairs and trying to talk to her. She had ignored them terribly well. When Marguerite suggested she take a warm shower to calm herself, Lily had taken the opportunity and ran for the bathroom, where she had stayed for almost two hours.

What she did there, she doesn't really recall. She remembers crying and sitting under the scalding hot water trying to figure some things out. She doesn't recall accomplishing anything.

When she came out her red eyes, her red hair, her red face and red arms made her seem like an extremely hot iron statue about to melt. At least, that's what her friends thought.

"Hey, Lils." Rose Rogers had asked. "Shower helped?"

Lily had nodded and climbed on Nisha Bashir's bed. The other three had climbed right behind her and sat together in silence.

"What just happened?" Lily had said after a while. _What did I just do?_

Nisha and Rose's looks had been wary, while Marguerite had combed her fingers through Lily's hair.

"You just had a nasty fight with James." Nisha had said cautiously.

A few minutes went with nobody saying anything.

"Want to talk about it?" Marguerite had said, braiding the hair.

"What's there to talk about?" Lily's head had been throbbing. "There's nothing else to do about it, right?"

Nobody had said anything after that, and soon they had all fallen asleep or wandered to the next bed.

The rest of weekend is a blur of tears, incomprehensible thoughts and angry moments, pastries from the kitchen and failed attempts to finish her Transfiguration homework.

* * *

"Rumors spreads like Fiendfyre around here." Lily grunts Monday morning. She, Maggie, Nisha and Rosi are sitting outside, watching the snowflakes flutter and melt.

It's the first break after a long double Potions class, where everyone had watched Lily like a hawk and had wondered out loud where James was. Maggie, had shushed and glowered at so many people that Professor Slughorn had taken points from her.

"It's Hogwarts, what do you expect?" Nisha says, her breath comes like a cloud around her. "What are we doing outside? Let's go to the common room or library or somewhere _warm_."

Lily shakes her head and her pale face colors a little bit. "Go if you want, I'll stay outside until Charms."

The other three exchange looks and telepathic words, but say nothing more on the subject. Instead, Maggie tries to talk to Lily about Christmas Holidays, asking if she could join the Evans family for it.

After a while, two Ravenclaws walk by them, looking their way and gossiping aloud. It's pretty clear what they are blabbering about, but to make it extra clear the tall one, Josephine Rutters, exclaims 'Ohh Merlin, poor James' rather loudly.

Lily's face pales even more, emphasizing the red-rimmed eyes, the dark circles under them and the shallow cheeks. She's been hearing comments like that all morning, she's been receiving pats on the back, sympathetic looks, warm and encouraging smiles from strangers, acquaintances and friends. It is stupid and unnecessary, in her opinion.

As another group of students walk by and smile her way, she scoffs and turns around, looking towards the castle. "Honestly, don't people have lives of their own?"

"Apparently no." Maggie scowls at the students.

Rosi nudges Lily as one of the students breaks from the group and jogs towards them. "It's Fredrick, Lils."

Lily, whose back is turned, closed her eyes and attempts to calm herself. She's really not in the mood right now. With a small smile (or at least she hopes it's a smile) she turns around just to see Fredrick sitting on the bench in front of them.

"Hey Lily." He says with his easy smile. Fredrick Crook, Ravenclaw's seventh year Chaser, is handsome, smart, pureblood and charming. His mousy brown hair is cut short and his eyes are a pale blue, he has freckles in every single centimeter of his face, which is always in a sweet sincere smile. He has had 5 detentions in all his school history, but is notorious for cracking up jokes that aren't so good, but with his charm and charisma have everyone in stitches.

He could make a damn fine boyfriend.

"Hey Fred." Lily answers. "I'm glad you – "she falters. _I'm glad you have your ears back?_ _What?_ "Erm – I'm glad you're out of the Infirmary."

His smile gets bigger. "Yes, well, Madam Pomfrey fixed me up in less than one hour. I had a pretty good night after that, excellent hearing abilities with those brand new ears."

"Good."

And awkward silence fills the table they are currently sitting on. Maggie, who can't hide her emotions really well, is slightly glaring at the Ravenclaw.

Fred coughs and looks sideways. "Look, I just wanted to thank you for defending me last Friday." He says without looking at Lily in the eyes.

She does a double take. "What?"

"With James Potter, I mean." He says and this time his eyes do glance at her face and his face twists with guilt at the sight of her tired eyes. "I heard what happened, and even though it should be the lad's job to defend the lady." His eyes crinkle a little bit, "I feel honored that you stood up for me and everything."

Lily's expression is a confused one, her lowered brows and questioning eyes do not fit the image he had in his head. He thought she would feel embarrassed or maybe even cheer up a little at his words.

"I don't know what you mean, Fred."

"I mean, that you fought with James Potter because of what he did to me."

Maggie's eyebrows went high up her blonde hair. "Think highly of yourself much?" she mutters quietly.

Lily looks darkly at Maggie and then turns back to Fredrick. "Well, yeah Fred." She says. "I mean, no."

"No?"

"I mean, yeah, the thing with you did make me angry with him, but the fight _itself_ didn't have anything to do with you."

Fredrick's eyebrows are the high ones now. "It didn't?"

"No- " _you prick_ "- James and I have had problems since first year. This was bound to happen someday."

"But I thought…"

"Well you thought wrong." Lily snaps. "That fight was all about James and I, and although you were part of the equation at the beginning, in the end it was about us two." Her eyes grow tired again, and the agitation and frustration go away. "It's always about us."

Fredrick's cheeks are red by now. His hands are playing with his wand and his left leg is bobbing up and down, making the ground tremble a little and annoying the extra sensitive Lily. "Well, then…"

"Yeah."

"Well, I'm still sorry that I was the last drop in the cauldron. I'm sorry _I_ was the reason you _two_ finally fought." No one missed how his voice sharpened at the 'you two'.

"Fred, I really don't know what you're talking about."

"You say it's not my fault, but I still feel bad about breaking up two friends."

Lily is flabbergasted. What's _wrong_ with Hogwarts today? "James and I aren't friends." She says. "We weren't ever."

Her three friends' expressions change at this. They all look surprised at the turn of the conversation.

"Oh, Lily, please." Fred scoffs. "You two obviously care a lot for each other."

"No." Lily scoffs right back, "Well, I mean, I don't hate him or anything. But he's not my friend. He's just a - " she falters and does circular motions with her hands "- a fellow classmate."

"It didn't look like it." Fred scratches his nose. "You Gryffindors have always been pretty close-knit."

"We are. We all are." And instinctively she scoots closer to her friends. "But James has never been my friend. Don't get me wrong I do care about him. But it's nothing big or anything. We have never gotten along. We fight all the time. "

"Friends can fight all the time."

"We only argue. We never talk normally. It's always arguing and arguing and bantering and fighting."

Fred laughs. "Yeah, but it's always in good fun. It's like – brother and sister; a friendly fight or something."

Lily's shoulders drop. A friendly fight.

_Friendly banter_.

"I – I ahh…" She doesn't know what to say. She looks at her friends for help, but they have nothing to say.

Fred notices her confusion and stares at her with worried eyes. "I think I'm not making this any better. I better leave." He turns to the other three. "Nice seeing you girls."

He stands up and walks over to Lily. "Maybe when you feel better and have gotten some rest, we can talk privately or maybe go out again?" He asks with his warm smile and his hands rub her arm. "Think about it, will you?"

She nods, and with her nod a tear falls down. Shit, she's so tired of crying.

He almost hugs her. She looks so lost. "Well, see you around Lily."

Fred turns around and walks towards the greenhouses.

Lily is stunned and can do nothing except hear the echo of those words again and again and again in her head.

_See you around, Lily._

_

* * *

_

She sees James in Charms. His hair is so windswept and his eyes are darker than hers. He looks like he hasn't slept a wink. Sirius is pulling him down the stairs, towards the classroom, and it's obvious James doesn't want to be there.

Their eyes meet each other across the hall, and both stop walking. And, unlike those romance novels, time doesn't stop for them, people don't become blurs and sounds aren't muffled. They can feel every eye on them and hear every student hold his or her breath.

They just see each other, so wounded, so tired and so pathetic, surrounded by students and teachers and a damn normal world.

James swallows and nods his head once, as if in acknowledgment. Lily can only stare back and hope her face doesn't betray her nervous system breaking down. Then he turns his gaze back to Sirius and tells him to stop treating him as a child. He calmly walks down the stairs all by himself. And Lily can finally breath again.

They don't say a word to each other for days.

* * *

Lily and Nisha meet the rest of her friends at the entrance of the Great Hall. People are laughing and speaking louder than they should have. Lily's head is throbbing so hard, she can actually hear the blood pumping in her ears. Marguerite grabs her elbow and they walk towards the Gryffindor table.

"What was that all about?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, what's all that talk about this fight was bound to happen?" Maggie says. Rosie glares at her, but her attempt to quiet her friend is sabotaged by her fight with the band around her hair. It keeps slipping and messing up her hair.

"Wait 'till I tell you about how they stared at each other before Charms! Are you okay, Lils?" Nisha says.

Lily stumbles and breathes deeply. "Can we – Can we not talk about this, please?"

"What staring?" Maggie says. "What staring, Nish?"

"Maggie, I said that I don't want to talk about this."

"But-"

Lily groans and walks away. Even though Maggie is the tallest one in the quartet, Lily has long legs, and they always provide her a great escape.

Rosi glares at Maggie and attempts to hit her, her band falling to the ground in the process. "No buts, Maggie. Let her be." She bends over to pick her band. "She's had enough already, so no _buts_."

"Au contraire, mon cheri." Sirius Black is suddenly standing right behind them. "I say, quite a butt you got there." He says eyeing Rosi's behind.

"Merlin, Sirius, you scared me." Nisha gasps.

"Shut it, Black." Rosi says as she gets up and turns around. "Go flirt with one of your admirers."

"Wouldn't you love that, eh Rose?" He answers with a smile. "Speaking of admirers – " his eyes shift to the back of the hall, landing on Lily. "How's our little Lillster holding up?"

Contrary to their constant banter and different personalities, views of the world, work ethic and almost everything else, the Gryffindors usually get along very well. As Fredrick had said, they were close. They consider each other a sort of adoptive family member, and although they may not be best friends at all, they care for each other more than that they let on.

All their gazes fall on the pouting redhead. Lily is just sitting, her eyes downcast and her hands folded on top of the table, on closer inspection they can see her hands trembling.

"Not so good." Nisha says.

"Yes, I can see." Sirius nods. "Has she said anything about Friday?"

"No. Actually, she's hell bent on avoiding the issue all together." Maggie explains. "The weekend was absolutely horrible, she was like – like numb. No crying outbursts in the middle of the night, no sudden rage tantrums, no sudden guilt. Nothing. Quite scary, honestly."

Sirius hums, and his eyes crinkle a little bit in concern. He has bags under his eyes too.

"How's your front holding up?"

He looks at Maggie with sad eyes. " 'Bout the same thing. He really doesn't want to talk about it. We finally got some confessions later last night, him lamenting about hurting her and being an idiot and how stupid he could be." He rubs his eyes. "And I'm fairly certain I heard some tears, over the weekend. And a lot of swearing, too."

Maggie nods, and Sirius notices more sorrow in her eyes than he expected to.

Nisha clears her throat. "Sirius?" she asks and her throat sounds constricted. "Do you think this could be the end of it?"

"What?" he asks sharply.

It's Rosi who answers. "Lily and James." And her eyes get glossy. "Are they really over?"

He looks over at Lily again, and as pansy as it makes him sound, he actually feels his gut turn around at the broken sight. "I don't want to think it is, Sweet Cheeks. But I actually fear this is it. It could be."

They are quiet for a few moments before Maggie scoffs. "Don't be twelve year old girls. It's not the end of anything. Lily said so herself, this had to happen. It'll be fine, they'll grow up after this and James will grow a pair and Lily will grow eyes and it'll be fine in a few weeks." She angrily stomps by them.

Sirius chuckles. "Oh, Maggsters, I wish we all had your twisted optimism." He pushes the other two a little bit. "C'mon, lets make Lily eat something and show some toothy grins or something. This whole debacle is making my eyes hurt at the sight of so many frowns."

* * *

"So, this was bound to happen?" Maggie blurts later that night, while they are getting ready for bed.

Rosi pulls her sheets too hard and stomps her feet on the floor. "Maggie, stuff it."

Lily's eyes widen a little bit. "What are you talking about?"

Maggie glares back at Rosi. "The fight. You said today it was bound to happen." Nisha's eyes widen and Rosi flattens her pillow with more force than it's necessary.

Lily stands up and the brush that she had been using to comb her hair, falls to her bed. She looks at it and stumbles a little on her way to Nisha's bed. "I – " she folds her legs and her friends are reminded of a little girl who just had a nightmare.

Rosi's glare softens and she sits next to Lily. Maggie and Nisha lay down on the bed too, and just like Friday night, they stay there silent for a few seconds.

"I don't know."

"You don't have to talk about this Lils."

Lily's head bobs up and down and Maggie resumes her job of running her fingers down the long, red strands of hair.

"I meant – " Lily tries again after a few minutes. "I meant that something had to change. Someone had to give. Because otherwise…"

"Otherwise?" Nisha and Rosi mumble back.

"Otherwise how are we going to move on?" Lily's voice gets stronger. Her eyes are closed and with a pang in her stomach, she feels the tears build up again.

Nisha looks at Rosi and Maggie, they all have a lost look on their face. "Move on, Lily?"

"Yeah, move on."

"Like, move on in _your relationship_? Or move on _move on_?"

Lily exhales and the tears are really falling down now. "What? Where's the difference?"

"You know, moving on in your relationship. Like, dealing with your problems and solving them, getting – stronger, I guess?" Nisha falters and looks for her friends for support. "I don't know…"

Maggie gathers some bravery and takes a shot. "You and James have been getting along so much better this year, Lils. You were steadily becoming good friends, and don't try to deny that." When Lily makes no objection, she keeps talking. "So, this fight, what you said had to happen, maybe it's a way for you two to get everything out in the open and finally tell everything that's been bothering you two the last years, y'know?

Maybe now, you can talk about this whole thing, deal with it and finally forgive each other. I'm not saying, like, getting a clean slate and all that. More like, you two are just finally dealing with everything, and yeah… get stronger."

She shrugs and looks at Rosi for help, who only shrugs back and half nods, as if agreeing with that.

"That sort of moving on. Getting better, closer and trusting each other more, accepting each other, I guess." Maggie finishes.

Lily only sniffs and wipes the tears away.

"Or, you know, moving on _from_ each other." Rosi cringes when she says this, and Lily face pales. "Like, forgetting each other?"

A sob comes from Lily, and she feels stupid. She's supposed to be a strong girl, not this blubbering crying mess. But she can't help it. "I – I don't know." She cries. "I don't know, Rosi, this thing is such a fucking mess." Her nose is blocked, making her sound like she was down with a strong case of the flu. "This is such a mess, I don't know what happened."

Her friends share a lost look.

"What do you mean, Lils?"

"I mean - I don't know how it got this bad." She sits up, and her eyes are so red and her cheeks are so shiny, she looks like a pathetic glossy porcelain doll. "I just wanted him to stop." Her voice is breaking up. "I just wanted this whole stupid mess to stop, you know? I didn't mean to 'break us up', like everyone keeps saying. I was just so damn tired of him treating me like a god damn princess. I want him to treat me like a normal girl. When he does that, I can see us becoming friends, right? But then he goes and acts like a brat and it hurts. I was just so tired of it all. Those stupid fights, it hurts when he jabs at me in the right spots, and he knows them so well and he knows what hurts me and he still does it. That's what has me angry. I know I usually provoke him and probably deserve it, but I'm just so tired of bickering and hurting each other."

She's crying openly now, and her nose is runny and her shoulders are shaking.

"I would love to be his friend; honestly, he's not a bad person. I know that, he's not as bad as I painted him to be. But the way he behaves sometimes, it just drives me up the wall."

Lily can hear her friend breathe normally again.

"So, it's the first option then?" Maggie insists, and Nisha hits her on the back of her head.

Lily chuckles a little at this. "I don't know. Probably." She lies back again. "I mean, I guess some time apart will do us good. To think about things and let everything simmer down a little bit." Maggie starts playing with her hair again. "But in the long run, I don't want him to hate me. I'll try and talk to him in a few days, weeks, who knows? Like you said, we'll talk about this whole thing, try to make it better and see where it goes. I don't want this to end like this. James is a good lad."

Maggie tries to hide her smile at the fact that Lily is still using James' name.

"I guess, it will make us better friends, won't it?" Lily finishes. "In a while?"

"It will, Lily." Rosie smiles at her friend. "I'm sure you'll make it happen."

They quietly rest their eyes for a while, before Nisha stands up and pushes everyone around. "Come on, tomorrow's Tuesday. Worst day of the week and we all have two hours with Binns, we need our rest."

They bid each other good night, and each girl goes to her own bed.

Lily falls asleep within minutes. She doesn't know if it is exhaustion or the head ache pounding in her ears, or the fact that she's calmer about this whole issue than before.

What she said was true. She doesn't want this to be the end of it all. She knew she was wrong in many ways, and she knows she has to apologize profusely to James for so many things. But her friends are right; this could lead to something better. Maybe not super close friendship, but they'll be able to be more comfortable around each other, forgive and maybe even start trusting each other.

What doesn't kill you make you stronger, right?

* * *

A/N:

Sooooo, total re-do! :) I honestly didn't like the first version of this chapter. I've been fighting with finishing the fic, but I kept getting stuck. And I realized that I did not like the second chapter at all, and that was why I was stuck. So…. This is a (almost) complete new chapter. I like it a lot more. And the rest of the story is kinda planned now, and it fits so much better with the rest of the chapters. So, I'm happy. :)

I took down the third chapter, because I'm adding one small chapter before it. Which is almost done, I just want to re read it and make final adjustments. I should upload it (along with the old chapter 3 and now chapter 4) this week. And hopefully everything will go faster now.

Please, please tell me what you think! Thank you, thank you thank you for reading this!:)

Love,  
kim


	3. Chapter 3: Mr Pitiful

**CHAPTER 3: MR. PITIFUL**

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* * *

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James, like Lily, spent the weekend holed up in the room. He came to Charms on Monday only because Sirius actually kicked him in the shin. He has a bruise to prove it. And Peter was threatening him with more kicking if he didn't get his ass out of bed.

Now that he sees her, he's happy (and determined to show that) he got out. Of course she looks gorgeous, that's always a given. But he's glad to see that she looks tired, sad and nervous. Yes, he knows that's a mean thing to think, but anyone in his position would feel the same thing. He's glad that this fight affected her as much as it affected him, it hurt her as much as it killed him.

Misery loves company and all that, right?

Definitely

It's not like he enjoys seeing her tired, downcast and defeated. He's not an asshole. (Although, sometimes, he does feels she deserves to be miserable; after all this shit she's put him through.) But for him, it means that Lily has to care for him. She has to, contrary to everything she's been saying all along. He knows she has a big, golden, weeping heart. She can't _not_ care for him.

That's what keeps him afloat.

The day goes by faster than he expected. He avoids the Great Hall, and eats with Peter in the Kitchens.

He notices Sirius and Remus's worried glances as he jumps from the windowsill into the dark nigh with his broom in his hands, and ignores their questions when he returns, his eyes dry, nose and ears red and cold and hands trembling from the adrenaline.

"Prongs, we've got to talk someday." Sirius argues, when James holes himself up in the bathroom.

"Not now, Sirius."

"Look, I saw Lily today, and you should have seen her face – "

"Fuck it, Black, I said no."

"You two should talk, you are both misera-"

He slams the door in his best mate's face.

He knows he's being moody and bipolar. But he honestly has no idea how to deal with this.

Sometimes he doesn't know if he's mad at himself or Lily. At himself for being so fucking blind and Lily for being such a hypocrite and an ungrateful bitch.

He immediately feels bad for thinking that about her and so, his mood changes and he feels guilty for treating her like that and ignoring her constant pleas and requests.

Other times, he feels stupid and disappointed with himself. Honestly, how daft can he be? He prides himself in being a people's person. He knows people; he deals with them so well and is so good at leading and understanding them. What the hell did he do wrong with Lily?

He tries to forget what happened, but he can't. He sees her crying and feels his throat constrict at the idea of her hurting like that. Sometimes his anger just slams into his head like the Hogwarts Express, and he feels like shouting a storm at Lily. How dare she treat him like that?

He never meant to hurt her, she knows that. So why does she come now and hurt _him_? Why does she think she can just destroy him like that? She deserves to be hurting now, too.

He is so damn confused, but the general gist is that he's angry and hurt and confused, and he's glad Lily's angry and hurt and confused too.

He does not know if he likes _that_ or not.

* * *

It's a few days later when she sees him stomping around the Quidditch field that she realizes she misses him.

A lot.

It hits her with a _pang_ in her chest, she's dying to call out to him, to say hello. And she half raises her hand in a wave, before forcing it down.

Yes, she does miss him. It's hard seeing him in the Common Room and not being able to share the stupidity that Nisha said that afternoon, or not laughing together at the joke Sirius just made up. She was already used to all that.

Now, she can't even greet him across the lawn.

He seems to be chasing a rouge bludger, and his face is lifted towards his sky. The late afternoon makes it difficult to see his expression, but she guesses he looks as tired and miserable as she is. His pants are baggier than she remembers and his t-shirt looks loose.

Has he lost weight?

No, she's probably imagining it. She just wants him to be miserable; she's probably over exaggerating everything. Wouldn't put it past her, the big Drama Queen, right?

It's better these days. Once she realized it was not the end of the world, she woke up on Tuesday with a can-do kind of attitude. She was ready half an hour before class and was hauling Maggie out of bed and Rosi out of the bathroom like any other day. Her friends had listened and obeyed her due to the complete shock of seeing Lily in her clean, smart uniform and her hair in a high ponytail.

She is once again doing homework every afternoon, tutoring second and third years in Potions and Charms, conducting the Charms Club on Wednesdays and doing her prefect rounds with Mary McDonald.

She is back in the game, and everyone has noticed.

Of course she still has weird moments, where panic (- pain?) suddenly invades her head and she can't see straight for a few minutes. During those moments, where James says goodbye over and over again, like a broken record, she hates herself more than ever.

Because, after all, that's what she asked, wasn't it? She had asked him to leave her alone. And he had done just that. Of course it had been a split decision, her reason clouded by her exhaustion, anger and so many other things. But she had said it, hadn't she? She had asked him to leave her alone.

So now, she has to live with the consequences of her mistakes. And she's not going to cry over a spilled potion, she's going to make the best of it.

Lily sighs and continues her way to Hagrid's. Her owl, Deidre, hasn't been flying right and something seems to be wrong with her, she is slightly crouched and hoots angrily every time Lily prods her to open her wings.

She arrives at the hut and knocks twice, and while she hears the paws of Hagrid's new puppy claw at the door, she looks back at James again.

He has the ball under his arm now, it seems controlled, but his stance is still defeated. He's long torso is bent forward, and his other hand seems to be pulling at his hair. She was right before, he _is_ thinner.

" 'llo, Lilly." Hagrid opens the door. "C'mon in."

"Hello Hagrid. And hello to you, too, you little cutie." Lily says as she scrapes Fangs behind his year. "How are you?"

"I'm doing fine." Hagrid says as he motions the chairs next. "What 'bout yeh? Heard about you an' James." He says sympathetically, as he takes a kettle and two cups from his make-do kitchen. " I'm real sorry 'bout that."

"Yes." Her eyes are looking at the floor now. "It's not that unexpected, really. I don't know why everyone's making such a fuss about it."

"Yeah, I know what yeh mean."

She looks up, surprised by this. "What do you mean, you know what I mean?"

Hagrid chuckled as he poured a pinkish lumpy tea-like substance into a cup and slid it across the table to Lily. "Puffapod Tea, great for yeh digestion."

"Thanks" she tries to drink it, but it tastes like crushed roses and smells too much like Petunia's sweet perfume. "What did you mean, Hagrid?"

Hagrid's smile is understanding under his wild beard. "Exactly what yeh meant, Lily. The fight s'not unexpected at all. Yeh and James had to have it."

She tries to drink more Puffapod Tea to hide her trembling chin. "Why do you think so?"

"Because, Lily, yeh two have been pretendin' for so long, 'twas time yeh two showed some real feelin's."

Lily almost gags. "Wh-what?" Hagrid's talking about _feelings_? Now, this was bizarre.

"Oh, yeh know. Yeh two pretend to hate each other, then pretend to be 'friends', yeh had none of the staff convinced with that, by the way." He takes a big gulp of the lumpy tea. "It's 'bout time yeh talk 'bout somethin' real, somethin' true."

Lily's eyes are so wide.

"Maybe now, yeh can talk honestly and yeh know… be mature and all that stuff…" Hagrid chuckles nervously. "Ahh, I don't know what m'talking 'bout, I'm just an old geezer."

_But you're right. _

Lily takes another gulp, and smiles through her tears. "You've helped more than you think, Hagrid."

"Sure, I have." He says grinning. "Now, what's wrong with, Deid'e there?"

She hands him the owl and keeps staring at the cup in front of her. Hagrid makes comments about the weather and what not, but Lily can't stop thinking about what he said before.

He's right, Hagrid is absolutely right. Friday night was the first day she had been completely honest with James. And though the circumstances had been the worst ones she could have looked for, and although they had the whole Common Room as an audience, she _had_ been honest. And he had listened.

And he had also been honest with her and she had listened and, hell, they had actually talked about something so important and vital, but because of the stupid circumstances they had totally forgotten to pay attention to what was important.

Now, maybe, they can keep up with this honesty thing. Maybe they can talk and make things better.

Maybe, God, maybe it's better now, already. Maybe this time, he'll get what she means and he'll listen and understand her. And she knows now, she really knows, how he feels about her. She can try and make it easier for him, maybe not flaunt her dates in front of him or something. She won't answer back moodily when he compliments her, she'll try and be grateful for it, because if he really fells like this, it has to hurt to be put down so painfully.

Maybe it's not as bad as it seems.

Hagrid's deep 'oohhh' interrupts her internal monologue. "What's up?" she asks, her voice raspy.

It turns out Deidre is pregnant.

* * *

Rosi, Nisha, Remus and Maggie laugh loudly when Lily gives the news that night at dinner.

"Go, Deidre!" Maggie hoots and everyone is in stitches again. "And here, I thought pets and owners were alike." She snickers. "Wrong about that, right? Turns out our little Miss Perfect's owl is a lively slu-"

"Maggie!" Lily snaps between chuckles. "The children!" and she motions to the first years sitting next to them.

"Oh, look at our mother hen." Remus quips, which sends everyone in hysterics again.

The jokes continue for about ten more minutes and Lily's face is suddenly more peach colored, her million freckles not as visible.

"What's going on?"

Peter suddenly plops down next to Rosi and Sirius takes the seat next to Lily. They are both watching something behind her intently, and Lily can't help but turn around.

James is standing there, his hands in his pockets staring at the empty seat next to Peter. Everyone quiets down for a minute.

The tension is palpable and Lily's lungs suddenly don't work right.

It's Rosi who clears her throat and speaks up first. "You may want to sit down for this James." Her eyes are pointedly watching the once again pale Lily. _Give it a chance._

"And hurry up, the _pregnant_ pause could kill you."

Lily has to groan at this, while the rest of the girls and Remus laugh even more.

James takes slow steps (as if walking around a mine camp) around the end of the table, and takes the seat. His hands are sweaty and his face is red and shiny. He grabs the chocolate mousse in front of him and puts a big amount of it in his plate. He looks up to see everyone but Lily watching him. "So? What's so funny?"

The rest of the seventh years let out their breath.

"Lils?" Rosi says quietly.

Lily looks up and tries not to meet James's eyes. She smiles a little bit and then looks at Sirius directly, she leans in and says in a 'shush-hush' sort of way "Get this: Deidre is pregnant."

Everyone but James, Sirius and Peter laugh again.

"So? What's so funny?" Sirius asks with a confused look.

"She's an owl." Nisha sputters between giggles. "And she's pregnant."

"It's a hoot!" Rosi adds and the whole group dissolves into childish giggles this time.

Lily catches James glance while laughing. He looks like he's trying to smile, but his tired stance is still there, that attitude loss that makes him seem so _not_ James. He looks directly at her, and his expressions falls even more.

She sighs and looks down at her plate. God, how could she think they could go back to normal so easily?

Sirius notices this and glances at James. Sure enough, his face is more serious and stone-like than it should be. "Prongs?"

And the silence that fills the table after that is so uncomfortable that guilt rushes into James and Lily like a tsunami. They are making this so hard for their friends. This is so wrong.

He lowers his eyebrows and leans in the table too. Everyone but Lily imitates him, and in a conspiratorial whisper says darkly. "Do you know _whoooooooo_ is the father?"

Laughter, probably exaggerated laughter, explodes around him. Maybe his friends are more relieved at his action than amused at his joke, but it served his purpose.

Lily's gaze is on him, when he dares to look at her. She's watching him carefully, and James can't help but swallow the lump that's rising in his throat again.

But then, after eternity, she smiles at him.

And he just stares at her again, and smiles back. Or tries to anyway. His eyes widen a little bit more, and his mouth opens just a sliver. But he feels as though he's grinning.

Because, after all, after the biggest mess ever imagined, they just realized that no, maybe it's not so bad after all.

* * *

AN

Okay, small short chapter, but completely new! (: The title come's from Mat Costa's song Mr. Pitiful. I love that song. Go ahead and listen to it, it doesn't exactly go with the chapter, because it's such a happy tune.

Thank you for all your support, and let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4: I won't Grow Up

**CHAPTER 3: I Won't Grow Up**

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* * *

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"_And if it means I must prepare  
To shoulder burdens with a worried air,  
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up  
Not me!"_

**- Peter Pan**

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* * *

**

Five minutes after that stupid, simple smile, James comes to his senses. Or rather, he comes to those survivor senses that every animal and human being seems to have, that natural instinct to protect themselves. He realizes that's he's given himself the chance to hope, to believe, to wait again for more. He's doing what he already learned not do.

It's as if the stupid child who burned his hand with the lit candle, is reaching again for it, even though third degree burns already cover its fingers.

What is he doing? Is he really that stupid?

He already knows what it's like to hurt by her, to be broken, to fall from _that_ high up. He's still hurting from that fall, from that broken heart, mind and soul that left him in a zombie-state a few weeks ago.

So why is he putting himself out like that again? Why reach another limb, when the first one got cut so savagely already?

Doesn't he learn?

That's what the rational, the cynical, the realist and the skeptical parts in him are saying. That he should know better now, that he's supposed to learn his lesson. Or does he want to hurt that much again? Is he dumb? Stupid? Masochist?

But on the other hand, the romantic, the hopeful, the dreamer, and the damn teenager in him are saying that maybe, just maybe, there's another chance. Maybe him and her were meant to be greater than he ever imagined. Maybe he can redeem himself. And can he do it? Is he ready for it?

_Maybe she's the one that has to redeem herself_, says the proud fraction of his heart,_ maybe she's the one that did wrong this time._

_Maybe nobody should try to make it better. Maybe it's better this way, when they just ignore each other_, that's the rational part of his brain. _Obviously they only end up hurting themselves, so why risk it again?_

_But aren't fights supposed to make relationships stronger?_ Asks the romantic in him.

_What relationship?_ Argues the cynic with a scoff.

God, he's so confused. Since when does he have so many personalities, so many ideas and insecurities? He used to be so sure, so confident. He knew what he wanted, when he wanted and why he wanted it. Yes, he never got everything he wished for, but at least he _knew_ what he whished for.

Now, there is the romantic part of him telling him to go on, to smile back at her. And the realist in him crushes this fleeting hope quickly, telling him she probably only felt guilty, that she was just being polite. And the horny teenager answers by telling him that Lily was the most beautiful girl in Hogwarts, let her be as polite as she wants to be, as long as she looks at him.

Every cell in his body seems to take one banner, one flag, one color, and gather around one part of him. The cynic, the romantic, the realist, the dreamer, the teenager, the pessimist; they all pull him in so many directions, it's as though he's falling apart, he has no way to go, no direction, no nothing. Who's he supposed to follow?

And the worst one of all those is the coward in him.

He tries to ignore it so hard, he tries to not listen to everything the coward in him said.

First, because it just confuses him even more.

And second, he is no coward. He is proud and adventurous; he is always brave and valiant. He is a Gryffindor through and through. So the coward should be ignored, it shouldn't even be there in his mind, in his heart and soul.

But the fear _is_ there in his mind. And heart. And soul.

Fear of getting hurt again, fear of losing what little he has left. Fear of hoping and wishing again, and all those wonderful things being crushed by Lily in one single word.

Yes, there's that fear.

But the coward doesn't stop there. The bastard is growing by the hour, gaining territory in him. And no pride, no braveness no nothing can't stop the doubts.

Because as big as the fear of hurting again is, lets face it, he's _so much more_ afraid of living without her.

* * *

"Remus?" he asks hesitantly. "Can we talk?"

Three heads snap up. Of course they would.

"In private."

Three pairs of eyes widen.

Peter's mouth is hanging a bit too open, and James can see his molars.

Sirius looks torn between relief of seeing his best friend trying to reach out finally and hurt that it's not him he's reaching out for.

And Remus just looks stunned.

James' face seems to redden by the minute, and he scratches the patch of his head where Sirius hit him with a bat during a Quidditch game and now his hair grows thinner there.

And his three mates continue to look as though he just came out of the closet.

Sirius finally seems to get out of his trance and gives James a small smile, while he waves his hand from Remus to James. "Go on, Moony." _Don't fuck this up_ is the warning hidden in the friendly tone.

Remus drops his quill and stands from his bed. "Sure, Prongs." He says, and his voice gains confidence as he puts on his shoes. "Let me get a sweater and we'll walk around the lake."

"Okay, thanks." is his quiet remark.

Sirius smiles at James again, and then glares at Peter, who is still gaping at their friend.

"I'll see you at practice, Prongs?" Sirius asks hopefully, as James and Remus walk to the door.

"Yeah, tell the team, we'll be doing laps first around the lake, will you?" says James, and a bit of the authority his voice used to hold, is now recognizable.

They leave their room, and Sirius doesn't even wait for them to step away from the door, before leaping up from his bed and jumping up and down.

"He's coming around, Pete!" he says excitedly.

It's not until they are at the lake, walking around the shore, when Remus dares to look at James. And he means _really_ look at him.

Something's changed in him. He can see it perfectly well now. He's not back to being the same reckless James he was at the beginning of the year, but he's not the dead one that's been wandering around the castle these past few days either.

Finally, Remus can see some sort of emotion in his friend. He looks confused, worried and so many more things.

It's not good, but it's something.

It seems something is troubling him, as if all the events that occurred that fateful night have finally sunk in and he's really worried about it.

"Prongs?" He asks, and stops walking. He directs his sight to the lake. "What do you want to talk about?"

James seems to hesitate, and for a second Remus fears that he'll regret asking for his help, and that he'll tell him to forget it and go back to being that horribly empty boy once again.

But then James plops down on the grass, his legs stretched in front of him, creating a narrow triangle, where he starts fumbling with the grass. He looks so lost.

Carefully, Remus sits next to him and waits.

"Lily smiled at me today." is the monotone answer.

That throws Remus aback. He wasn't expecting that at all, he was expecting a lot of mourning from James' part and some comforting from his side. He thought James was finally going to let some of his burden go, by letting Remus share it with him.

But this - this just confuses him.

"And," he clears his throat to gain time, " how do you fell about that?"

That was probably the least helpful thing he could have said ever, and he fears Sirius will kick him when he tells him what he did, but he truly is baffled.

"That's the problem Moony." James says, and his voice is thick with confusion (Remus sends a Hallelujah to the Heavens above for this). And, trying not to sound like a lunatic, James explains to Remus how he feels about the cynic, the bastard coward, the dreamer, the romantic and all those idiots making him doubt himself, pulling him apart. He tells him that he doesn't know what to think, how to feel, how to act.

Remus is once again, left speechless.

It's rather disconcerting for Remus to be left speechless so much in so little time, James reflects, he's always the one who knows the best, who knows the most and understands almost everything.

But now, when his friend needs him the most, he has no idea how to help him.

"I don't know what to tell you, James." Remus sighs and stays silent for a while. "Other than I'm proud of you."

James does a double take.

"Proud of me?" he asks, "How can you be proud of me? I'm telling you I'm lost, I have no idea what to do, I have no idea what's wrong with me." He scoffs. "Something is _wrong_ with me, and you're saying you're _proud_ of me?"

Remus has to smile. It seems he knows what to say after all.

"Yes, James, I'm proud of you." he says gently. "You may not see it, but you're acting so mature. You've grown after this fight with Lily, you've learned so much."

"Yeah, I learned, that I'm an idiot who has been hurting the girl he loves day after day."

"Maybe." Remus chuckles, "But just think of what you just told me. Your thought, your views on yourself have changed. They are not the shallow ones that were the last year. You now know that you feel so much more than you ever thought. You're not just James Potter, proud Gryffindor who's madly in love with a girl he barley knows. You're James Potter, a guy who has insecurities, a guy who reflects things in every aspect, every point a view. You think things now, obviously, rather than just act on dreams and horny impulses.

You say, you don't know how you feel, what you think, what you should do. But you _do_. You feel and think all those things you just said."

"So what, you're saying, it's better to be confused? It's more mature to not know what you want?" "No, no. You've got it wrong. Oh, how do I put this?" Remus sighs. "It's not that not knowing what you want is a sign of maturity. It's more like, thinking over what you want, seeing it from every aspect. You're considering everything now, not just you're obvious interest with Lily. You're considering what it could mean to both of you, how it could hurt both of you and all those insecurities you just told me. You see what I mean?"

"No, not really."

"I'm saying, that there's more _depth_ to you now. You don't seem so shallow anymore. You think, you have doubts; you have insecurities, and all those whishes and desire and dreams. That's what makes you a human being. You're not a one-dimensional character anymore. There's more than one side to you, and that's a lot to say about a person."

They stay silent for a while, James contemplating what Remus just said to him.

Could it be, that he has grown so much? Has he really matured that much?

Maybe he is more considerate now; maybe he is a better person now. He's no longer interested in just being with Lily, in just wining something or doing that thing. He's now asking himself what that would bring, why should he follow that instinct, why does he want it so much.

But it's too much information for one afternoon. Too much to think about right now. He's really more confused than ever before.

And worst of all, he still doesn't know how he feels about this whole issue.

"Can you just tell me what I'm supposed to feel right now?" he asks, albeit a bit jokingly, because he did listen to what Remus told him right now. He understands it. He's becoming a better person, in Remus' opinion.

And, he's proud of it. _Take that, coward._

Remus groans. "Listen James, I'm not going to tell you what you're supposed to feel. That's just plain stupid and wrong. What I'm trying to explain to you is that I think that you have grown a lot the last couple of weeks. I believe, that you mulling over things, shows that you are not the brazen teenager you once were, but more of a compassionate _man_ now."

A flicker of a real smile threatens to overcome James' constant frown. "That was a really Dumbledore-ish thing to say, Mooney. Really, you sounded so old and wise just then. More old, than wise, I dare to say." Remus lets out a bark of laughter, sheer joy of hearing a quasi-joke from James. "Hey, you needed rational advising, here I am." He answers, and looks at him with critical eyes. "Did I help?"

James sighs. "Not really. I'm still confused as hell." He turns to his friend. "But you did help me feel better. Thanks, mate."

"You're more than welcome." Remus smiles. "It's nice to know you're back to the land of the living."

"Yeah…" James trails off. "Thanks for bringing me back."

They stare at the lake for a while, before James stands up and announces that he has some Quidditch players that need some serious ass beating.

And before they part ways, in front of the castle, Remus asks his friend if he'll tell him, when he knows how he feels.

"I'll doubt I'll ever know." Answers James honestly. "But I'll let you know."

And it's true. He still has no idea of what to do, what to feel, what to think. He's still angry with Lily, still resents some of the things she said. He's still hurting so much. And he still wants her for himself; he still likes to think they stand a chance. And he's still afraid of so many things. And so much more is running through he's head.

But he knows he's getting better now. He's getting stronger and wiser. And with time, he's hoping he'll understand himself better and then maybe, just maybe, undo this whole mess.

Lily would be proud of him; he's growing up.

_Take that, coward._ He repeats to himself.

* * *

So, here it is! Please review!

I actually like this chapter, I feel I can really relate how James feels in this chapter, because that's how I think usually people feel, think, analyze, whatever you want to call it. I'm never sure of what I'm feeling; I always have mixed emotions.

Tell me what you think! and again, thank you so much for your reviews!


	5. Chapter 5: Interlude

AN: I am sorry, so sorry. I am trying to finish this story.

* * *

·

INTERLUDE

·

* * *

"Time flies." Lily says.

"You don't say." Maggie answers.

The cold has made their brains mushy and slow, and even with their heating charms and heating gloves, it's to damn cold and they feel as though their knees and toes are falling of. It's a Saturday; a couple of weeks after the fight and the last weekend before Christmas break, and the Gryffindor Quidditch team is playing against Ravenclaw.

"What about time?" asks Sirius. "For your information, Rosi just scored."

Lily lifts her enormous hat (with a heating charm) off her face and sees that indeed, the red-cloaked team is celebrating amidst the snowstorm threatening to freeze everything and everyone.

"Yay, Rosi." she says without much enthusiasm.

The game has been going on for hours now, both Seekers were having too much trouble seeing, the snow making their surroundings a white, fuzzy nothing. So far, even if Ravenclaw caught the Snitch, Gryffindor would win by 120 points.

"Oh, honestly, they should stop this absurdity already. It's like minus 15 degrees out here. And the game's settled already." Maggie exclaims as another flurry of snow falls on them. "I would like to have all my toes for tomorrow, thank you very much!"

"Oh, stop making such a fuss." Sirius argues back, even though her teeth are chattering so hard, Lily fears they'll fall down. "No one's forcing you to stay here."

"You're right, I should have gone back with Nisha and Remus."

Sirius glares at her through some old Quidditch glasses (with a heating charm, also). "Our friends need our support. Half the pitch is empty as it is, someone has to cheer when they score."

As if on cue, James scores yet another goal and Sirius claps, but the amount of gloves he has on drowns any kind of sound.

"What were you saying about time, Lily?"

"What?" Lily uncovers one of her ears and scoots closers to Sirius, who repeats the question. "Oh, that it flies."

Sirius looks at her with worried eyes and nudges Maggie who only shrugs back at him. "And?"

"No, nothing. It was just an observation." Lily says. "You know, it's almost the end of this year; next week we're going away for Christmas break, then suddenly New Years, Easter Break and then suddenly bam! it's graduation and – and we're out in the real world."

"Which sucks."

"Yes." She says while Ravenclaw scores one. "So yeah, time flies."

"That's your big conclusion? Your epiphany? The light bulb on top of your head?"

"Stuff it." Lily hits him on his leg. "It's just that we don't have a lot of time left together. I'm going to miss you guys."

"Aw, Lilsters, don't be like that." Sirius says and throws an arm around her shoulders. "There'll be no reason to miss us, Prongs and I are going to get an flat together and we promise to host reunions every week."

Lily smiles slightly.

"Besides, by then, you and James will have made up and he'll be stalking you as if nothing happened before."

Lily sits as still as a statue. _What?_

Maggie hits him on his head and Sirius tries to fill the silence that follows his comment with awkward chuckles.

Then suddenly another batch of snowflakes attacks them and the three huddle together, trying to fight the biting wind.

"I've had enough." Maggie says and she is so close Lily can smell her perfume. "I'm going back. Come with me?"

Sirius looks towards the castle and can hardly make the silhouette of it. "It's probably best if we all go together. Who knows if we'll even reach it or get lost in the North Pole imitation over there."

"Maybe we'll run into Father Christmas."

"Sure, Maggie."

The three stand up and start making their way down the frozen stairs. Ice has covered the railings and they keep slipping and stumbling. When they finally reach the ground level they hear a loud booming voice.

"Dear Students, thank you for sticking up for your team for so long in this dreary weather. Due to of the extremity of it, the rest of the Staff and I have decided to end this torture. As it is, it has only been suspended and Madam Hooch will have a meeting with both Captains on Monday to discuss what needs to be done." A few cheers can be heard through the howling wind. "Also, I would like to congratulate both teams on their superb endurance."

Dumbledore has to wait several seconds until the tired cheers stop before continuing. "Now, if you would please wait 5 minutes while the players get their belongings in the changing rooms, so that we can _all_ make way to the school safely. It's quite a storm and I don't want to lose someone in the grounds."

After a few minutes, the Headmaster leads them through the frozen and white Grounds. He's raising his wand above his head and leaving a trail of bright red sparks to lead the way. Professor McGonagall and Madam Hooch are stumbling right next to him, melting the snow so that everyone can walk with a little more freedom.

Sirius has left their little group to join James and the 6th year beater, Connor, in a discussion of what could happen to the result of the game. And as they stagger through the endless white, Lily can't help but notice that after a 4-hour game, in ridiculous freezing weather, James Potter looks rather alive. His hair is swept in all directions, his cheeks and nose are a bright, bright red, contrasting deeply with his (still) ghastly complexion, and his eyes seem to have his usual sparkle.

Lily can't help but stare.

* * *

Winter break comes and hit the 7th years as hard as the sudden cold and bitter weather. Not only is it, what teachers call their first official "networking opportunity for their future careers", but it is also a slap in the face: a term closer to being out of school, away from friends and the life they had known for 7 years.

Nisha is the first one to really break down. "Can you imagine?" she cries as they approach the carriages that take them to the train. "In a few months, we'll be doing this exact same thing. But forever." Her tears are leaving red, red marks down her cheeks.

"Merlin's foggy glasses, it's cold." Snow still piles around them in huge, white chunks, and Sirius steps between them carefully, before looking back at her. "Doing what forever?"

"Leaving."

"You will truly, never leave Hogwarts, as long as there is someone in it that needs your help or advise." Remus quips as he helps Nisha load her trunk on the carriage. "Don't you know that?"

"Is this your cryptic way of saying, that a part of us will always belong to Hogwarts?"

"No, Sirius, it's an actual saying." He paused. "But yeah, I guess you could say it's a cryptic way of saying that a part of us will always belong to Hogwarts."

"Why isn't it: Hogwarts will always belong to us?" Sirius grinned and tossed a wave of colorful sparks into the snow, making obscene silhouettes glow behind the white fluffiness. "Why should we further, bound ourselves to this institu-"

"Stuff it."

A few third years walk by and giggle at Sirius's light show. Lily smoleders him with a glare and waves the incantation away.

"Well, however you want see it, nothing changes the fact, that we will soon be leaving this place forever." Nisha sniffs, and Peter rubs her shoulder awkwardly.

As if practiced, the 8 of them turn around to watch the castle at the same time, with almost the same expression.

The castle, so big and powerful against a dreary gray sky, is overwhelming and kind of suffocation. Terrifying, in some people's opinion and kind of ancient looking and cold for others. But for them, it's a warm home that's always welcomed them with powerful feasts and cozy beds.

"I'm going to miss you all." Rosi sniffs, and Sirius lets out a chuckle.

"Come on guys, one step at a time." He hugs her close to him. "Winter Break will be like our first test. You'll see that we'll be seeing each other more often than you think."

"Yeah, we'll see each other at Prong's New Year's Bash, right?" Peter reminds them.

Most of them mumble a 'yeah' or nod. Lily doesn't even move. The elegant invitations were given out a few days after their big fight, and apparently James had shared this with his parents, because the traditional purple and silver envelope had eluded her this year.

"I bet we'll see each other sooner, though." Sirius assures them.

"I give us until Wednesday." Maggie says.

"Five sickles say it's Tuesday."

"Make it ten, Lupin."

"Don't be cheap, you two." James adds. "Monday night. A round of butterbeers for all eight of us, on me."

_Eight_? Lily looks up at that.

She wasn't counting on being, well, counted. Probably just a slip of the tongue, or an old habit or something, she reasons. Her surprised look must have been obvious, because Sirius and Rosie smile at her secretively.

"Eight butterbeers, Prongs?" Sirius says without breaking eye contact with Lily.

"Yes, eight. Can't you count?" James scoffs as though it's obvious. "The four of us, plus Maggie, Rosie, Nisha and – and Lily." His hesitation is awkward and noticeable. _Are you _ready_ for this, Potter_? he asks himself. He swallows. "Err, that's eight, right?"

The silence that follows makes it obvious that the question was directed at Lily.

She looks at James, who is still deliberately contemplating the castle and not her answer. Her eyes don't wander to her friends, but she feels them tense again, she hears them hold their breath.

God, what she's done to all of them.

"Yeah, eight butterbeers on James, if we don't make it after Monday night."

A sigh of relief sweeps through the group.

"I propose the Leaky Cauldron. Monday around 8 o'clock?" Sirius says as he turns around and climbs into the carriage.

"No, Padfoot, you can't _plan_ and make me lose the bet!" James exclaims as he follows his friend. "It has to be - er – I don't know – spontaneous!"

"I am not making plans to make you lose, I am simply observing that by Monday night I will be ready to see you guys again." Sirius avoids getting hit by James's scarf. "The fact that you lose a bet, and have to buy us all a round of drinks, is simply a plus."

"That's not fair!" James says as everyone else climbs in and the carriage moves forward. "You are making me lose on purpose! Remus, do something!"

The atmosphere in the small compartment is almost so normal and relaxed that Remus wants to do nothing about it, he just chuckles in response.

"Remus!" James whines. "Someone, make another bet! Say that will see each other sooner!"

"As much as I would love to see your beautiful faces as soon as I can, I'm quite looking forward to those butterbeers." Nisha says still wiping her face.

"And maybe some of those cheesy fries from The Leaky, too." Rosie sighs. "Think you can add that, James?"

"Oh, with toasty jalapeños!" Peter adds.

"And sour cream, please!" Lily says. Everyone turns to look at her. _When will the staring stop?_ She stares at their amazed expressions. "Please?"

James' jaw tightens. _Are you ready for this?_

"The nachos will be on me, sweet cheeks." Sirius says and ruffles the redhead curls.

"See you Monday, then." Remus agrees.

"Or maybe sooner!"

"Shut up, James."

They do see each other sooner than expected.

Voldemort, of whom they've all heard only rumors, strikes for the very first time in public that same Friday in various locations around Wizarding England.

He and a dozen of his newly recruited Death Eaters attack a few Wizarding families connected to Half-Bloods and Muggle-borns. They kill anyone they run into and put the houses on fires, leaving nothing but ashes and fire and a bright green mark, high on the sky. Few survive.

And the Lupin Household is the third house on the list.

* * *

Yes, hate me. It's short, but at least it's something right?

The next chapter is NOWHERE near done. The chapter after that one, is not even started. The chapter after THAT one, though is already roughly drafted, and involves another fight between Lily and James, so… more DRAMA! Because we love drama, and those two need to resolve a LOT of things.


	6. Chapter 6: Hell

Chapter 6: Hell

* * *

"I still can't believe Nisha cut her beautiful hair." Anita Evans exclaims as she, her daughter and Maggie sit down on the old and mismatched chairs in the small, clustered kitchen. "It was so long, and shiny and pretty."

"Oh, mum, it surprised all of us when she said she wanted to chop it off!" Lily says as she butters some toast and biscuits with raspberry jelly. It's tradition in the Evan's household that after Lily comes from Hogwarts, they sit down all together and discuss the most important events in great detail.

Anita Evans, a short and thin 40-year old working mother, is the only one in Lily's family that interests herself in her youngest daughter's magical life. Lily's father had passed away when she was only ten, Petunia didn't want to do anything with anything magical (including her sister) and the rest of the (small) immediate family had no clue whatsoever of her abilities.

That's why Anita immerses herself in everything that her daughter tells her. She memorizes name's, dates, places and even reads some books about Magical History. That way she'll stay connected to her daughter, that way they will have something to talk. She reads the Prophet at least once a week and tries to keep up with Magical culture too. She's even contacted some of Lily's friends' parents to try to have some kind of connection to that world. It's the only way she'll stay in Lily's life, she supposes.

Lily has learned to appreciate her mother's efforts, and in return tells her virtually everything that goes around in Hogwarts. She treats her mother like he older sister, like the best friend she was supposed to have in Petunia.

Healthy or not, this arrangement works in the Evans family.

"Oh, well, she can always grow it back." Anita sighs and arranges three cups on the table. "So, James Potter didn't do anything embarrassing this time, love."

The knife in Lily's hand halts and trembles a little bit. Maggie's eyebrows are hidden in her golden fringes, surprise at Mrs. Evans not knowing about this vital part of Lily's recent developments, but she prods her friend in her side, urging her to tell the truth.

"Er, yeah."

"_Yeah_, love?" Mrs. Evans looks up and sees her daughter's hesitation. And for the first time in years feels left out.

The goodbyes in King's Cross had been tense and awkward. Just as the Gryffindors had been hugging each other and arranging final details for their reunion Monday night, Fredrick Crook had approached Lily and given her a Christmas present and a kiss on the cheek. James had stood rigidly by Sirius and Rosi, even after the Ravenclaw left. When Lily had tried to say goodbye to him, he had simply turned around and ignored her wave.

_Leaving me alone, all right_.

"Lily?" Maggie asks suddenly, bringing Lily back to the present.

The knife slips this time, and the dark red jelly spreads around the table, splatting and tinkling.

Mrs. Evans sees her daughter pale, distraught expression and Maggie's tense pose and decided it's time to take action. "What's going on, Lily?"

And for the first time in days, Lily's façade breaks. She tells her mum everything. How she had fancied that prick Fredrick, how James had finally dropped the last ingredient that topped the cauldron over, how she had overreacted and – and how they are now nothing more than a pair of awkward, estranged classmates.

_See you around, Lily._

She cries on her mother's shoulder, complaining about how bad she feels every time her friends tried to spend some time together, because her stupid fight with James made everything uncomfortable and tense. How selfish she feels, how bad it is to have her friends walk around eggshells when they are with them.

_I'll leave you alone, Lily._

She sobs about the fact that she had trusted James, and that she had befriended him and was starting to see him in a new light but he ruined that, and that she was still right in some aspects. He needed to respect her and to stop acting like she was just a trophy girlfriend or something.

She cries about maybe him being right, maybe she was a stuck-up bitch and she needed to enjoy life more.

_I never knew you were seriously disgusted by all of it._

It's almost midnight when Lily stops crying and sobbing. Her mum had just listened and made soothing noises, while Maggie had wandered into the small living room to watch some television and give them some privacy.

The calm and melancholic music of Gone With the Wind is softly accompanying Lily's dry sobs and sighs, and her mother is still in quiet contemplation, just rubbing her daughter's back.

"And now, mum…" Lily continues, "Now, I'm so confused. Was I right? I know he didn't deserve all that shite I gave them, but was I right? Did I overreact or did I really need to say those things?"

"Hhmm."

"I know it was the worst circumstances ever, but, maybe it was in those circumstances that we could finally be honest with each other, maybe I needed to be melodramatic for him to hear me out, you know?"

"Mmhh."

"And now, I don't know what to do, I'm afraid to talk to him, I'm scared to ruin things even more. I'm kind of ashamed too, I guess." Lily whispers. "I don't know mum…"

"Mmhhmm."

They are silent for a few moments after that. Lily's breathing is starting to go back to normal and her eyes, puffy and red as they are, are no longer tearing up.

Maggie laughs at something from the movie and both mother and daughter turn their heads towards the small living room. They stare at the shadows that the movie was casting on the wall, hypnotized for a while until Anita sighs and stretches, forcing Lily to sit up straight.

"You've lost three important people in your life, Lily." Lily's mother says as she stands up and starts collecting the dishes and used cups. "When your father died, I swore to myself that I would do _anything_ in this world, so that you and Petunia didn't lose someone you loved again. And I tried to, I really did.

But when you and your sister started ignoring each other, when you were 13, I realized I had failed. It hurts me more than anything, but I know now that you've lost each other for good. And you may not recognize it, but it kills you too, Lily. It kills you that you've lost your sister. To something as stupid as an argument."

"And then came Severus." Her back is turned to her daughter, but Lily can hear everything crystal clear. "I remember Lily, when you told me about Severus and how he treated you so badly at the end of your 5th year. You were heartbroken and I could not cheer you up for days. Days. You had lost your best friend, and I had failed again."

"Mum, it was not your fault." Lily argues. "Dad, Tuney, Sev. They weren't your fault."

"I know it wasn't, honey. " Anita says as she washes the dished. "And I honestly think I won't get my point across." She chuckles. "What I was trying to say to you, is that you've already lost several important, very important, people in your life. It may be because of unavoidable circumstances, because fate said so, because you are so, so stubborn. "She chuckles again. "But you've lost them. And it has hurt you so, so much."

Lily's crying again and Anita is wiping the counter now, almost done with her cleaning.

"So, are you sure you want to lose another person, someone who is obviously very important to you, over a stupid argument once again?" she asks her daughter. "If it is so, then it's okay, you are not meant to be friends with everyone. But if you care for James, and I think you do, you have to find a way to apologize to him. To make thinks better, because I _cannot_ fail once again."

Lily stands up as Anita is folding the towel and putting it away. "Mum-"

But her mom stops her with a kiss on her cheek. "We have ignored our guest for too long, I'll go entertain her for a while." She says as she walks toward the living room.

"Mum- "Lily tries again.

"I've said my advice, love." Anita says, "And that's all I have to say."

Lily leans against the counter and dries her eyes with her hands. What was she supposed to do after that?

"Oh, and also," her mother adds as she peaks her head around the kitchen door again, "to ask for foreignness doesn't always mean we accept that we were wrong. It's just a way of saying 'I appreciate you more than I care about being right.'" She scrunches her nose. "Or something like that."

Lily snorts and her mother joins Maggie in front of the TV.

She knows what her mother thinks she should do. It's pretty obvious. And she knows what her friends want her to do. And she knows what she should do and what she want to do.

She had to apologize to James, she has to find a way to make things right, without leading him on. Because she's not in love with him but she can't deny that she does care for him, deeply.

She has no idea where to start.

Okay, she does, she has to write him a letter. She walks slowly towards the living room, and sees that the first part of the movie is about to end. So she sits down next to Maggie, who looks at her and smiles encouragingly.

She'll write the letter, she'll look for some parchment and a pencil (she honestly hates quills) once Scarlett O'Hara finishes her speech about surviving and not giving up, because frankly, it was quite fitting and oddly inspiring.

And while Scarlett is swearing and promising, there's a knock on the door. The three women look around confused. At the second (louder) knock on the door, Lily gets up and quickly opens the door.

James is standing there. She checks the clock on the wall, and it's 1.20 in the morning. He looks worried, and tired and sad and maybe – maybe he's here to apologize?

Maybe he read her mind, maybe he feels bad about what happened today at the train station, about what has been going on these last few weeks, about –

And as the music from the television goes to that heart-aching crescendo, James eyes tear up and Lily knows this is bigger than them, she knows something is terrible wrong.

"What-" she croaks. "what's wrong?"

He takes a step in, and the first tear falls down. "I'm sorry to come here this late, Lily. Mrs. Evans." He adds to her mother, who is standing a few feet behind Lily with a concerned look.

"It's Remus." He says and leans against the doorframe. "His house was attacked. His house was attacked by Death Eaters. He's going to be okay, don't worry – "he says quickly as Maggie makes a whining noise" but his mum and dad – they – they didn't make it."

Lily's knees give up, and Maggie mutters some obscenities. James cries softly against the door and Mrs. Evans is painfully reminded of that stupid war that her _teenager_ daughter is facing.

And in the television Scarlett's beloved land fades into black, and the music from the Intermission is, again, oddly fitting for this heartbreaking moment.

And Lily knows, that whatever arguments she and James need to have, whatever talks and apologies they need to say, they will have to wait. _Petty friendships and crushes and stupid arguments have no place in this twisted world_, she sobs.

And, oh fuck, Remus.

* * *

It's days before Lily gets the chance to even see Remus. He's on his side, his back is scarred by the fire that destroyed his home, and his left eye is covered in gauze. But he's alive, and that's all that Lily can think.

Sirius, James and Peter are in the room too. And by the looks of it, it looks like they camped right there in the room the last few nights. None of Remus' relatives seem to be here. Her heart breaks and swells at the same time. Remus has family. Sirius, Peter and James are family.

She takes a deep breath and goes in. Maggie is behind Lily, talking to someone she knew from somewhere outside in the hall.

The three boys by the window look up and stare at her. She nods and kind of smiles, but goes directly to her friend on the bed.

"Hey Remus." Lily says softly.

He looks like he is kind of drugged, medicated. "Lily." He slurs.

She looks up to the three boys, and their expressions are hard. She makes a note of it.

She comes closer and grabs his hand, the one that wasn't damaged, and strokes it. "I promise you, it will be ok." she whispers, "You will get out of this, you will move one, Remus, and we will all be here to help you."

Remus smiles a little and his eyes get shiny. He mumbles something else, but it looks like the drugs are making him drowsy. She looks up again, and James catches her gaze. He motions to the door with his head.

"I'll be right back, Remus." She whispers and Remus seems to just roll his eyes.

She follows James outside and silently they walk to the end of the hallway, to the small waiting room. James sits on one of the coffee tables and motions to the couch in front of him.

Lily's suddenly nervous.

_See you around, Lily_.

She sits down. Swallows and with courage looks at James in the eyes.

"What's wrong with Remus?" she asks, "I thought the doctors said he's better now. They are only waiting for the tissue to scar, so why is he acting like that?"

James doesn't look back at her. He's looking at his hands and they seem to be trembling. "I know you know, Lily." He says quietly.

She stares at him blankly. _What_?

"Remus told us that you found out about him during 3rd year." He says again. "I know you know, and that's why I am telling you this."

Oh, _that_, Remus' condition.

She lets that sink in. Ok, so what? She knows about that. What was James getting at?

His hands are definitely trembling now and she is waiting for him to say something, when a light bulb goes on in her head.

"Is that why he was attacked?" she asks quietly.

"What?" James says, "No, no. At least, not that we know of. His condition is a secret still."

She looks at him expectantly. But he is still quiet and shaking. "Then what are you trying to say, James?"

"St. Mungo knows." He confides.

"So?"

"So they keep him sedated."

Lily feels a sort of electric shock go through her. "_What_?"

James doesn't say anything, and Lily can actually feel the rage coming from him now.

"They know he's a – "she looks around and lowers her voice" – a werewolf, so they keep him sedated? Don't they know it's not even close to a full moon right now? That he's completely harmless right now? They are Healers; I would think they know that! What kind of imbeciles are they?"

James is still quiet and Lily is starting to get aggravated by that. "James? Are you even listening to me?"

She looks up closely at him and her anger fades away immediately. He is crying quietly and his hands are still shaking and she feels devastated too.

She kneels in front of him, and grabs his hands. "I –" she stumbles with her words "I don't know what to say, James." She has never felt so helpless in her whole life.

He nods and takes a deep breath.

They stay like that for a few moments. Just breathing and holding hands and trying to calm down.

"Sorry." James mutters after a while. "I didn't mean to get like that. It's just, that, I feel so helpless. And they make me so angry, so, so angry. And they are supposed to be the good guys, you know? And they are not. They are still judgmental and stupid and still consider him – a monster – and he's not. He is not that." His eyes water again. "He's just Remus."

Lily feels her eyes get hotter by the second. "I know. I know, James."

He looks at her now. His eyes find hers and she kind of smiles. She never thought she would see James so vulnerable again.

_I'll leave you alone, Lily._

"We know better, James." She assures him. "And that's what counts the most, ok?"

He nods a little. "It's just so fucking wrong and unfair."

Lily wholeheartedly agrees, but saying that will not help the matter at all. She just squeezes his hands a little and sits back on the couch.

James's gaze is still on her, very intently, and she's beginning to feel uncomfortable. She looks down and straightens her shirt.

"Lily." He says quietly.

She looks up again, and her eyes fidget between looking at his eyes, his nose, his mouth, anything. She's feeling nervous again.

"I need to tell you something."

His voice is horse and emotional and she does not know if this is the right moment for this talk. She's not ready, she hasn't made up her mind, and she doesn't know what to say.

"James, maybe now is not the right time." She whispers and pulls her hair back. Avoids looking him in the eyes.

His eyebrows go a little high, but he shakes his head. "No, you need to hear this." He swallows and before Lily gets the chance to say anything, he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. He looks directly at her and Lily can't help but look right back at him. He launches on with his confession.

"When dad got news of the attacks last night, the report said something about the targets being half-bloods and muggle-borns. He said something about no survivors and then dashed out of the house so fast." He swallows again. "I freaked out, Lily."

She's looking at him fully now, and she's noticing how he's biting his lip. He is still freaking out.

"I immediately thought of you, it completely slipped my mind that Remus' mum was half-blood. I panicked. Sirius read my mind and he was the one that stopped me from barging into your house at 11 o'clock. 'What if the Death Eaters are still there, Prongs? We don't even know if she was attacked, she probably wasn't. You'll just scare her senseless. The aurors are already on it.' I was horrified.

My mum was the one that actually _stunned_ me for a while and told me to listen to Sirius, that he was making sense. We would hear from my father soon, and then we could see what to do. And, I don't know how or why, I listened to her. I still regret it. I should have checked on you the minute I heard about the attacks.

That half an hour we waited for my father's letter, was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. And when we got it, and mum read it and said that you were fine, I almost cried.

Then we got the news about Remus and I freaked out again. I got restless and crazy and mum and dad didn't let Sirius and me go outside the house. It was too dangerous, St. Mungos was hell, and they didn't need people bothering them. I knew they were trying to protect us, but I just needed to see him, I needed to do something, you know?"

Lily's crying openly now. She can't tear her eyes away from his.

"But, that's not what I needed to tell you. And this is probably very selfish of me and inconsiderate, given the situation, but I don't really care. You need to hear this.

What I want you to understand is that I still care for you. You scared me last night, Lily; you need to know that I care about you. You need to be careful. I was still freaking out last night, that's why I showed up in the middle of the night, that's why I didn't send an owl like a normal person. I was scared shitless, I needed to see you, and to make sure you were ok."

She doesn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry, Lily, I really am. But I can't leave you alone, now, after this. I can't. It drives me crazy. I'm sorry, but I need to know if you are okay, if things are okay with you. I'm sorry."

He looks at her for a few seconds and then looks down. He cracks his fingers and stares at the floor.

_I'll leave you alone, Lily._

Lily stares at him. "Ok." She says after a while. "Ok, James."

He looks up so quickly that his hair bounces up and down.

"That's ok, James." She repeats. "I get it, I freaked out too. I care about you too and we need to talk about this, but can we please not do it today?" she asks quietly.

James just looks at her.

"It's been a horrible weekend, and I can't deal with this. I don't have a clear head right now." Lily continues "And you don't have to apologize, ok? Thank you for worrying about me. Thank you for caring so much."

He nods, his eyes are wide and a little bit blank.

"Remus needs us now. Our friends need us and, frankly, I need all of us together right now." She says, and a little bit selfishly, she hopes he'll accept this. "Can we just, put pause on whatever was going on before, and go back to what things were before? And later on, we'll discuss this."

James is still looking at her, and she can't decipher what he is thinking.

She shouldn't have said anything. She should have just stayed quiet. She –

"Ok." James whispers back. "I can do that."

They stare at each other until it gets uncomfortable.

"Thank you."

He nods back.

It's all a blur to Lily, but suddenly they are back at Remus' room, with coffee tea for everybody and she still can't shake the uneasiness in her stomach.

Everything's a mess, she doesn't know how they will all get out of this one. She's scared, nervous and ashamed for some reason. It's been too much, and she would just like to go back to her house and take nap, but James and Sirius are trying to wake Remus up so that he eats his dinner, and Maggie and Peter are desperately trying not get in their way.

Her friends need her and she need them, and James is included in _them_.

So she stays. Her stomach still upset and her eyes still burning and her confusion and anger and fear bubbling way to close to the top.

But she stays.

* * *

I'm sorry. I have no excuse. This chapter is not exactly perfect, but I wanted to get it out tonight. I do like it, I just need to clean it up, which I will do, one day. But I thought you guys had waited long enough.

Really, really sorry. I will try to get the other one out in November. I promise.


End file.
